This wasn’t how I wanted this to go.
I was crushed.
Here I was with my fourth baby and he was full out refusing to nurse. I had done everything. I read all the things, tried all the tips and tricks, worked with my amazing lactation consultant….and still nothing. He was 10 months, and I was incredibly thankful for all the time we had had nursing, but this was not how I wanted it to end.
I nursed my first until 11 months and I was pregnant with my 2nd. He seemed ready to move on to everything that mom and dad was eating, and that was that.
With my second, my supply tanked around 6-7 months. I contributed it to back to back pregnancies and my body being done, plus the stress of working evening/night shifts in the ER didn’t help. Knowing what I know now- I think a tongue tie actually contributed to a lot of it, but that’s a story for a different day.
I remember feeling so defeated – like I wasn’t enough for my baby. I had done all the things, and still it had no impact. I reluctantly switched to formula because pumping 1-2 ounces a session wasn’t going to cut it. But for months it felt so heavy and disappointing every time I mixed up a bottle.
With my third, we had a great nursing journey and a lot of it I contributed to just being home and not having to work crazy hours. I couldn’t find my pump most of the time and loved that I didn’t feel like a cow.
When the fourth came along, I figured it would be very similar to the third. At one point around 6 months, he started refusing bottles. Minimal inconvenience for a few months, but we worked on it and he accepted them again.
So imagine my surprise when I came back after a few days away and that little guy would not nurse. My brain went back to my experience with my second, doing all the things a brain does (that isn’t really helpful!) It recreated all the feelings and emotions from that experience the second time, and all the thoughts and beliefs came back full force, “you’re not enough”, “Now you have to do formula”. Add to it learning all that I have learned over the past 5 years, and formula was the last thing I wanted to give to my baby.
However this time, I had tools. I was able to identify all of the thoughts and evaluate how they served me, or how they didn’t, and was slowly able to let them go and rewire my brain. I held space for the emotions and didn’t simply tell myself, “it’s fine – you can move on”. And as I did that work, my brain was able to enter creative mode. And I found solutions that I didn’t even know were available.
Did you know that you can make your own formula? Weston A. Price, a prominent American dentist and researcher known for his pioneering work in nutrition, oral health, and overall well-being had a recipe. He used whole foods and quality supplements to create the next best thing to breast milk. So that’s what I did. I made formula. And after a week or two, it wasn’t overwhelming at all as I had the whole recipe memorized and could make a batch in just a few minutes.
Since that time, I have connected with many moms who have navigated similar issues and all the feelings and emotions that came up when nursing was no longer an option. And I’ve been able to share what I learned and to teach them to make formula for their babies as well.
This wasn’t how I wanted this journey to go, but I’m thankful for it. I’m thankful for what it taught me about myself, and how it allowed me to serve others in similar situations. I’m thankful for how our difficult experiences in life can often encourage and support others as they walk through similar seasons.